Главное не результат, главное процесс

BPM-блог Анатолия Белайчука

Процессы - это весело

Точнее, это было очень смешно в 90-е; современные процессные дисциплины не доставляют так, как реинжиниринг и ISO 9000. В качестве иллюстрации - подборка комиксов “Dilbert” от Скотта Адамса на околопроцессные темы.

1993

For only twenty-five thousands dollars I've eliminated many tedious and time-consuming processes. - What would be an example of one of thouse tedious and time-consuming processes? - Well, there was the process of sitting around and wishing I had more computer stuff. - Next time don't ask.

I got a brochure for «Dogbert's seminar on management zombies». I think you should go. - «Learn how to use words like: utilize, paradigm, vertical, empowerment and proactive in every sentence.» - I'm not sure I want to talk like this. - Come... join us... don't be afraid.

So what have you accomplished this year? - I hate performance reviews. Well, I used my empowerment to create a new paradigm. And I teamed accross functional boundaries to improve quality. I dare to say I was customer-focused and market-driven! I proactively found excellence in the midst of chaos! I re-engineered my core processes and embraced change! I give you Dilbert - the perfect employee! - Was that sarcasm? - To be honest, I don't know either.

1994

I just read this great book about how to «reengineer» our business processes. Everybody's doing it. We'd better jump under the bandwagon before the train leaves the station! I'm putting you in charge. If you need any management support you know where to go.

Reengineering is simple. You start by questioning the employees who would get fired if you succeed. Then use that objective data to design a more efficient process. - So... you say you use flying monkeys to deliver the finished design? - They're very fast.

Problem: our product development process requires buy-in from managers who'd be happier if we all died. My solution is to create executive oversight groups who don't understand the issues and don't have time to meet. I'm... I'm blind! - You looked directly into the bulb again.

The employee survey shows that 95% of the company believes we have no consistent strategy. So the executives formed a quality team to determine the root cause of the problem. We've narrowed it down to either «employees are ninnies» or «we deserve more stock options».

I'm starting an interdisciplinery task force to study our decision-making process. - So, you're using a bad decision-making process to decide how to fix our bad decision-making process? - I don't know how else we could find the source of our problems. - X-ray your skull?

As your consultant, I'll tell you how to improve your business processes. I'll show you how a well-designed process can compensate for your sloth, apathy and all-around incompetence. But most important: let's have fun.

I came up with a new name for our group. From now on we're the «Engineering science research technology systems information quality and excellence center». - You should through «efficiency» in there too. - I designed the business card myself.

I'm putting you in charge of getting our «ISO 900» certification. We don't know what it is, but it looks great on brochures. - I think it certifies that we follow a consistent process. - That's us; we always lie on our brochures.

Excuse me... I'm only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? Let's form multi-disciplinary task forces to reengineer our core processes until we're a world class organization! - Sounds good. Go do it. - I'm more of an idea rat.

1995

We're having an ISO 9000 audit this week. Take a look at your documented job descriptions and make sure that it's what you're doing if the auditor asks. - According to this I'm some sort of engineer. - As if we'd have time for that...

1996

Business Language Explained. «We have to be more competitive.» - Nice barrel. - This old thing? - Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases. «We must focus on our core businesses.» - Hello. - Meaning: we can't find our butts with both hands. «You are empowered.» - I proclaim this to be green ink day. - Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions. «We're reengineering your function.» - Meaning: adios, tonto, and the horse you rode in on. «Training is essential.» - You were a cannibal? - I'm a people person. Meaning: we're trying to hire some trained people. «We're market driven.» - What's your favorite odor? Meaning: we blame customers for our lack of innovation. «We value employee input.» - Thanks for listening. - Ha ha ha! - Meaning: we think humor is important.

I'm assigning each of you to a separate «quality» initiative. - Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lowe morale and have no impact on our profitability? - And we'll have a contest to come up with a name for overall initiative. - How about «qualicide»?

If we are to succeed, you must become change master in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment. - Let me get this straight... Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after inflation... And the problem is OUR lack of flexibility? - Not entirely. There is also your bad morale.

We'll be having ISO 9000 audit soon. They'll check to see if we follow our own documented procedures for everything we do. I've divide our preparation tasks into two groups: unethical and unproductive. - I'll train our department to lie to the auditor. You can document our inane procedures. - No fair. You did unethical last time too!

1997

Can you explain how the company's new Statement of core values will change my behaviour? I was planning to poison the town's water supply. But wait! It's against our core values! - Is your sarcasm absolutely necessary? - Let me check. Hmm... it's not addressed.

1999

Our annual ISO 9000 audit is next week. We can pass our audit if we put all of our non-conforming documents in the trunks of our cars. - Doesn't that defeat the idea of voluntary audit? - And then torch the cars.

Patty is our new process manager. Patty doesn't know how to DO anything. She only knows how to do things BETTER! - Process! - For example, this meeting is poorly managed because you have no process. And this intern obviously has no process to decide whether to attend. - Okay, Patty is annoying. All in favor of getting rid of her. - You lasted longer than Timmy the «facilitator».

We'll redesign our processes to enable enterprise integration of knowledge resources and tools. - Question: is it OK if I do nothing? - No. - Well, excuse me for making a suggestion.

In addition to ISO 900, we will strive to be QS-9000 compliant. That means falsifying the following documents: QSR, APQP, FMEA, MSA, SPC, PPAP and QSA. Remember, you can't spell compliance without «liance».

2001

Ooh! Ooh! I know how to solve our problem! - Not so fast, Asok. This isn't the solution meeting. This is the process meeting. Our goal is to develop a process for generating ideas to solve the problem. - We don't know how to develop processes. Someone should have a meeting about that. Someone like... a cross-disciplinary SWAT team in an offsite lockup meeting. - Hmm.. Good idea. I guess this meeting is over. - You see, Asok. You can only thwart a meeting by inventing other meetings to act as a firewall. - Asok, I'm putting you on a cross-disciplinary SWAT team.

Six sigma consultant. Every company that used my six sigma program increased profits... except for the ones that were on industry downturns... or flat growth industries... or industries that only upturned a little bit.

2004

Remember, quality is our top priority. - Question: is it more important than safety? - Ooh. I forgot about that one. - Question: is quality more important than obeying the law? - Well, probably not. - If we could maximize shareholder value by selling low-quality items... Wouldn't we have a fiduciary responsibility to do it? - Hmm. I'm sure it's on top four. What if we had to lie to achieve quality?

2005

In order to avoid shoddy mistakes, everything we do from now on will be part of a documented process. - What documented process did you use to decide what documented process to use? Or is this one of those shoddy mistakes I keep hearing about?

My accomplishments this month include complying with our ISO 9000, Sarbanes-Oxley and SEI-5 policies. And if you make a new policy, I will comply with it so fast it will make your head spin! Is it my imagination or is pretending to work getting easier?

2006

Is it more important to follow our documented process or to meet the deadline? I only ask because our deadline is abitrary and our documented process was pulled out of someone's lower torso. - Where's your artificial sence of urgency? - Teamwork killed it.

Our company decided to try something new. - New? Six sigma was developed in the 80s. - It's new to us. - Why don't we jump on a fad that hasn't already been widely discredited? That way the false hope might sustain us. - There's nothing wrong with six sigma. All it does is reduce defects! - Let's see... Fortune magazine says... blah, blah... most companies that used six sigma have trailed the S&P 500. - Sorry I'm late. What did I missed while I was innovating?

08.01.09 | Заметки | ,    

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